Monday, October 29, 2007

A Normal Relationship?

Just wondering if this is how normal friends interact with each other on phone calls.

Danielle: I'm going to have oatmeal. Should I have peach or strawberry?
Me: Peach
Danielle: Ok, I'll have strawberry.
Me: Good, I actually wanted you to have strawberry, but knew you would have the opposite of whatever I said.
Danielle: Well, actually I'm having peach, but I didn't want to tell you that I was having what you told me to.

After much discussion about whether it was normal for us to both try to manipulate the other into having the type of oatmeal we wanted:

Danielle: Does this mean I won? Because I like never win.
Me: I guess.
Isn't It Ironic? Don't You Think

In a side note, it was like two years after that Alanis Morrissette song came out that I got it. One day I was listening to it and all of the sudden had a light bulb on moment where I was like "oh, my God, ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife! That is ironic!" I know I was dumb. Anyway, that wasn't what this post was originally going to be about.

This post comes to you thanks to my good friend Danielle. She was driving the other day and was forced to take a different road than she normally takes due to construction. She passed a Jehovah's Witness place (sorry don't know the name of a Jehovah's Witness place...though maybe I should since my loser cousin was briefly one--that's a whole other post) and found it interesting that the entire complex was gated. Not just a little white picket fence. We're talking heavy duty fencing with a little speaker box.

Isn't it ironic that they can go around and knock on any door they want to but you can't go knock on theirs? What if I really did want to become a Jehovah's Witness? You're telling me I'd have to buzz in and be like "uh, I was thinking about what you said the other day at my door, and I think you're right. I do want to become a Jehovah's Witness."

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Psychotic Thought of the Day

A couple days ago I was at Latin Cardio class. (yes, that is an actual class and it kicks ass). Anyway, I had a bottle of water and couldn't open it. I thought it might just be because I was sweaty, so I asked someone else to try. Nope, nothing. I dried my hands with my towel and tugged and tugged, but the lid wouldn't budge. I suffered through the class (extremely parched) and when I got home tried to use my gripper hand to open it. Again, nothing. I finally ended up stabbing it in the side with a pair of nail scissors and draining the water into a glass. This leads me to my psychotic thought of the day.

If I was in a desert and that was my last bottle of water, what would I do? My decision was that I'd probably die of dehydration and confuse the heck out of the CSI's when they found my rotting corpse with a full bottle of water in hand.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Traffic Pattern Problems (with Accompanying Stick Figure Diagrams)

Today I went to use the rest of my gift card up at the Hershey Spa. ::sniff sniff:: For those of you that don't know, I milk my visit to the Hershey Spa for everything its worth and take advantage of all the free amenities. I get in the hot tub, sweat in the sauna, use the free mouthwash, eat muffins in the quiet room and munch on Hershey Kisses in the Aromatherapy room. Today, I decided that I would also go for a swim in the indoor pool.

I go down to the pool and was happily surprised to find that I was the only person there. So I begin to swim laps down the pool long ways like any normal non-psychotic person would. About 15 minutes into my swim an older woman comes in. Fine. Pool is big enough for the both of us. Except she starts to swim short ways across the pool. (See Figure A)
The worst part was that when our paths crossed she would not slow down or in any way change her swimming pattern so as to avoid the impending mid-water crash. At this moment three things that I could do crossed my mind. 1) Kick her in the gut "accidentally" at the intersection of our lanes. 2) Scream "what the hell do you think you are doing, ass clown?" at her and hope she would be scared enough to get out. 3) Do nothing and roll my eyes at the lifeguard every time we made eye contact. I'm a wuss and chose three.

Fifteen more minutes went by and another lady walked into the pool and was visibly confused as to which way she should swim. I was sending her psychic messages trying to tell her that I was here first, and she needed to swim like a normal swimmer. She apparently got the message because she started swimming long ways as well. (See Figure B).
I convinced myself that short ways lady would become frustrated with two swimmers interference and get out or switch directions. She didn't and non-psycho swimmer got frustrated and left after 10 minutes.

Another 15 minutes goes by, and two old ladies walk in. They begin swimming short ways too. Do they think they are going to be doing sprints or what? So now I am the one trying to dodge three other swimmers. I decide my plight is futile (and since I only was planning on swimming about another 5 more minutes) got out and went to the hot tub nearby. By this time, there are now four people swimming short ways across the pool. I watch another person enter the pool and (I am not kidding) begins swimming long ways across the middle of the pool. (See Figure C)
Also notice that there is a mom and two kids splashing away in the corner. (This will become important very shortly). At this point, the pool manager enters and helps the lifeguard put up a lap lane line (long ways obviously). I of course make some smart ass remark to the lifeguard like "oh, now you decide to put up a lap line." All swimming stops for about 5 minutes while everyone decides exactly what pattern to swim. After another five minutes, one of the young kids in the corner pukes in the pool and everyone evacuates. I secretly smile to myself.
Anniversary Gift Opinion

Ok, my parents anniversary comes up towards the end of November. My parents are the absolute worst people to buy a present for. 1) My mom is singularly the worst person to buy presents for because she doesn't like anything. Even if she will end up liking it, initially, she won't. 2) My dad is the type of person that if he needs something, he will just go and buy it. So anything they actually need, they already have.

So, here was my thought. I'd send them a poinsettia plant. When I was younger, my dad used to get a poinsettia from some company for a Christmas gift and my parents always loved it. I figured that their anniversary was close enough to Christmas that this should be exceptable.

Here's my debate. My crazy aunt Nancy (who we never talk about because she hates me) used to always get my grandparents flowers for whatever occasion. Whatever the $29.95 FTP floral arrangement that was advertised in the coupon section of the newspaper, my grandparents would have on their dining room table. Christmas, Anniversary, Mother's Day, etc. And of course we used to make fun of her...because that's what my family does. So I feel like I'm taking the easy Aunt Nancy way out. Granted I have never bought my parents flowers before because my mom is allergic to everything. Any thoughts?

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Did We Learn Nothing from the Lady Knight Debacle?

For those of you that don't know about the Lady Knight debacle just picture a well respected organization for kids accepting a donation of about 1000 books, passing about 50 of them to kids in kindergarten-1st grade and then discovering that they aren't exactly appropriate. (Just read a couple of the pages.)

Anyway, that's not what I'm blogging about. I'm blogging about another questionable decision that was made today by my church. My church just started a new contemporary worship service called "Searchlight". In order to promote it, they gave some members of the church little bags with Dove chocolate (that had been donated) in them and a "Searchlight" magnet to hand out at Trick or Treat. They gave us some of the extra chocolates to eat today. No one realize until we were snacking away that Dove chocolates have little messages inside the wrappers. The first one someone opened said "Naughty but nice." Not exactly the message we want to send out.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Church Sign

"Heaven is no trick and Hell is no treat."


Saturday, October 13, 2007

My New Favorite Penalty

I used to have two favorite penalties in football. Pass Interference and Intentional Grounding. Most people would think it isn't possible to have favorite penalties but I do. They are my favorites for two main reasons. 1) I like the hand signals the officials have to make when calling them and frequently make them myself while screaming at the TV or at an actual game. 2) I know the rules that surround these two calls and can make intelligent comments about them like "that should not be intentional grounding because he was totally outside the tackle box."

My new favorite penalty is Roughing the Passer. This one had to work its way up on the list because a lot of times its a rather bogus penalty and the result of good acting on the part of the quarterback. But its been added because I realized the hand signal that goes along with it is really similar to my friend Aileen's "wasted" signal.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Guess Who Has New Washer/Dryer?

Oh, that would be me. After approximately four months of washer problems ranging from water shooting out from the wall to water mysteriously leaking from the bottom of the washer, my apartment complex finally gave me a new washer/dryer....and I'm talking brand spanking new, not just some hand me down they passed along from one of the three bedroom apartments.

I was flipping through the user's manual (just in case there was anything weird I needed to know about). Did you realize you're supposed to separate your laundry based on five different sets of criteria? I'm sure all of you already do this and I'm just the moron separating based on color.

Surface Texture: Lint Producers from Lint Collectors
Fabric: Cottons & Linens from Perm Press Cottons & Blends from Synthetics & Poly Knits from Delicates
Soil (what?): Lightly Soiled from Medium Soil from Heavy Soil
Color (duh): Whites from Lights from Darks from Non-Colorfast
Weight: Heavy Items from Light Items

Um...I live by myself. If I wash every item of white clothing I have, I may have a full load of whites. If you expect me to separate by five different categorizations, you do of course realize that I'm going to have 1 lint collector/cotton/heavy soil/white/heavy item that will never get washed? Not to mention I'm going to need another hamper or two or six so that I can presort and laundry has just become a full weekend affair.

Monday, October 08, 2007

When Good Movies Go Bad

Today at the cardio cinema at the gym they were showing Million Dollar Baby. Now before you jump all over me. That was a good movie, but it reminded me of perhaps the worst movie I have EVER seen....drum roll please....

Girl Fight -- For those of you that were lucky enough to miss Girl Fight, I think I can sum it up in one of my favorite scenes. Girl boxing boy in the ring. Girl puts her arms around boys head, whispers "I love you" and proceeds to punch him in the gut. Classic movie moment.

Let's take a look at some of my other bad movies.

Mulholland Drive -- Muldholland Drive is a movie anomaly. It was so bad and weird that I kinda want to see it again, so that I can try to figure out what exactly was going on. Seriously, if you asked me what it was about, I couldn't tell you.

Miami Vice -- I've seen this about three times in the cardio cinema and still couldn't tell you exactly what the plot is. It should've been easy because there is very little dialogue, but I found myself spacing off and watching the clock on the treadmill instead of the movie.

Van Helsing -- something about vampires mixed in with a love story just was weird.

The Brothers Grimm -- You would think any movie with Heath Ledger and Matt Damon in it would be good...and you would be wrong.

Hollow Man -- Ok, we get it. He's invisible.

So what are your favorite bad movies?

Side note: I was watching the credits for Million Dollar Baby because no one went out to tell the front desk to restart the movie and there was a person whose name was Jenniphur. Thanks mom!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Things that Annoy Me

When one of my volunteers takes something I say when I'm trying to help her, puts it in an e-mail out of context and sends it to the CEO only then to have the CEO forward the e-mail along with a stern reprimand to my entire department.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The Potato Salad

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been sick and my mom is visiting which you can only imagine what a winning combination that is.

One of my coworkers, whom shall remain nameless, (hint: it rhymes with Flamanda) got a potato salad recipe from her grandma. Her grandma always made wonderful potato salad, and my coworker wanted to make wonderful potato salad too. She mixed up all the stuff and mixed in the potatos, but then when she tasted it, something wasn't right. It was kinda weird. Um...yeah...for potato salad, you have to cook the potatos first or else it would be kinda weird. I guess her grandma thought that anyone would know that and she shouldn't have to put it in the recipe. I guess she was wrong.