Thursday, March 31, 2011

Possibly the Best Letter EVER

This may possibly be the most entertaining letter from prison ever. I realize that we've had some very entertaining letters about shanks in the past, but this one is phenomenal. And since I'm feeling kinda mopey about not having a job/any sort of future plan what so ever, I thought I'd blog. "Hey, how are you? Im good...Im sitting here watching american pie on a 19' plasma (that's one big ass TV if it's 19 feet) from my bed eating ritz crackers, chedder cheese, summer sausage and mustard! samwhichs im so doesn't even feel like im in jail (and they wonder why these people have trouble holding down a job after they get out) i even cans moke a couple cigs here and there were not spose to smoke in blues (i have no idea what blues are) but my celly gets em! don't say anything about smoking we can smoke in browns (don't know what browns are either) though I'll be in browns in around a month..I can't wait! do you like country music? (random) I do now...I like your spring stationary its cute! (why thanks...I use up all my random stationary I had from childhood on her)

Well me and James's relationship is crazy (oh yeah!) I actually met him 2 nights before I went to jail this last time (ha...she has to differentiate which time she went to jail), we really liked each other and he was ther efor me in the beginning I called him everyday, he came to visit me every week, wrote, sent pictures everything he was spose to do and I only knew him 2 days (sounds like a perfect jailhouse romance) I can't even get friends I knew 20 year to do that for me (Meredith, if I go to jail will you write and come visit?) so I really respected him for that! Then I got greedy and told him I wanted $ on my books (that is greedy) and he wasn't feeling that (no shit, he wasn't feeling that) so he stopped answering my calls...he ended up coming to jail a couple months after that for a parole violation (oh, he is a good guy) and I found out and wrote him and we settled all are misconceptions decided to be together and start a family when I came home (oh dear GOD! BAD IDEA ALERT! BAD IDEA ALERT!) then I called a mutual friend of ours last week and she told me what like 4 (this may be a 9, can't tell, but I'm going with 4) other girls are doing for him too...I don't know if its completely true but I wrote him a mean break-up letter so I waiting to hear his explantion! Thats the short lifes like a springer show

thats crazy about the shin thing (i told her about the cancun wrestler guy) you shoulda filmed it and put it on UTUBE (awww...she doesn't know how to spell youtube) Im about to watch 3 hours of Family Guy (alright...what do I gotta do to get thrown in jail?) I love Family Guy. I heard about foam partys they sound AWESOME...I will attend one in my lifetime (so is this before or after you start a family?) That picture (the one on facebook of her face all f***ed up) was the end result of the night I got the charges for fighting Rickay and "stabbing" her BF (really? we have stabbing in quotes?) did I tell you that? apperently she kicked me in the eye...I don't remember though thats the night I met James too (sounds like a wonderful evening) oh well thats a drunken fight for ya (how do you not remember someone kicking you in the head? Do you know how drunk you need to be?) lol (we just lol'ed her "stabbing" someone and then getting kicked in the face.) hope to hear from you soon."

Sunday, March 27, 2011

A Slacker Post I was going to post my latest letter from prison or go through why I currently have 6 half drunk magnums of wine on my counter, but I'm too tired..I was also going to make cookies today and go to the grocery store, those things didn't happen either. I did, however, come across this while I was researching Craigslist for my advanced branding class. I highly recommend reading "Penis Measuring" and "Free Canoe-Not Seaworthy." Enjoy! I'll try not to suck so much later this week.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Bizarre Things

Here are two things that are related (you'll see), and just kinda make me go "What?!?!". I'm honestly not going to have a lot of comments on them because I really don't even know what to say, and I think the products will speak for themselves.

Breast Milk Icecream: I'm not sure what would ever make you come up with this flavor.

Breast Feeding Baby Doll: I'm pretty sure I didn't know what breast feeding was when I was that age. (Maybe that's because I'm an only child though). And never did I think "man, I wish I had a doll that I could breast feed."

Monday, March 21, 2011

Two Things to Note

1) Scary Johnny from Cancun friended LT on facebook but has not friended me yet. We can't figure out how he even found her, and his profile picture is super creepy.
2) I said something semi-mean to one of my classmates who looked shocked. He apparently still only knows my golden aura. Andy explained me to him by saying: "You know that thing that comes out of their mouths in Alien? Little do people know that she has an inner jaw of snark that might pop out and tear somebody's face off." Well said, Andy, well said.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Mexican Baggage Allowance

When you are about to land in Mexico, they give you a standard customs form. Listed on it is the allowable "Goods considered as personal baggage". As soon as I received it, I turned to LT and said "I'm keeping this because it's going on my blog." My comments will be in {} because there are already some () in the original form.

"Goods considered as personal baggage: Goods for personal use, such as clothes --including one bride trousseau {one what? do I own this?}--, footwear and personal toiletries and beauty products, as long as they are appropriate for the duration of a trip; {who determines what is appropriate for the duration of the trip. My mom goes through chapstick like it's candy. Are you going to tell her that 3 tubes of chapstick aren't appropriate for a week long trip? yeah, I'd like to see that} as well as baby travel, hygiene and fun accessories {fun accessories? also, do you need to have the baby with you?} such as car seat, portacrib, baby carriage, baby walker, etc. {were those supposed to be the "fun" accessories?} including their accessories; {big on accessories, aren't we?} two cameras or video cameras including 12 rolls of film or videocassettes; photographic material; two cellular phones or beepers or pagers; one portable typewriter; {hahahahahaha} one electronic personal organizer; one laptop, notebook, omnibook or similar; one portable photocopier or printer; one portable recorder and one projector, {wow...I can't have two projectors for my multi-media presentation? lame.} including accessories; {oh thank God, I thought I wouldn't be able to bring accessories with me} two personal sports equipment, four fishing rods {four? you need four fishing rods?}, three surfboards or windsurfing boards {now wait a damn minute here. I can only bring one laptop, but three surfboards? how is that at ALL fair?} and their accessories, {whew} trophies or recognitions that can be normally transported by the passenger; {oh, I can transport the shit out of some trophies and recognitions} one running machine and one exercise bike; {and I'm going to strap this on my back?} one portable sound recorder or player; one digital sound player or portable CD player and one portable DVD player as well as a set of portable speakers, and their accessories; five laser disks, 10 DVDs, 30 CDs or magnetic tapes, for sound playing {so no photo CDs? how did they come up with these numbers? 10 DVD's, but 30 CDs?} three storage software and five storage devices for any electronic equipment {I guess my photo CD's go in there}; books, magazines and printed documents; {but how many? you're not going to just let me bring unlimited books are you?} five toys {five? do you know how bored I'm going to get with only five toys? and what if I want Army men? I only get five army men? you can't have any good battles with only five army men) including collection toys and one video games console, as well as five videogames; one blood pressure self-monitoring device and one blood glucose self-monitoring device or a mixed device {what about accessories? I can't bring blood glucose self-monitoring device accessories? this is crap} and their reagents {is this a fancy word for accessories?} as well as personal medicine (in the event of psychotropic substances, passenger must show prescription); {well, I would hope so} one binoculars {not a pair, just one} and one telescope; two musical instruments and their accessories {how are we counting drums? is it like just one drum? or can a bring a drum kit? and does a triangle really count as an entire instrument?} one tent and other camping articles; {well, shit, anything over my limit I'm saying is a "camping article." centrifuge? camping article.} one set of hand tools and the suitcase, which may include one drill, tweezers, wrenches, dies, screwdrivers, cables, etc. Passengers older than 18 years may transport up to 20 cigarette packets, 25 cigars or 200 grams of tobacco {/marijuana} as well as up to 3 liters of alcoholic drinks and six liters or wine."

Saturday, March 19, 2011

It's Horriable In Jail

First of all before I get into the actual content of this letter, let me set the scene by telling you that it is written on a money order deposit slip form with "Read Back" written on the top of it. Consider the scene set.

"Sorry it took so long ot write back but iv'e (not sure that's a real contraction) been waiting for stupid envelopes (shocking that you managed to find an envelope to write to my mom asking for money, but couldn't find one for me...hmmm...) I get my 1st commensary finally on the 15th I can't believe it takes so long its crazy no pen (yes there is no punctuation in this at all) I got this from some1 (didn't you get in trouble over borrowing a pen last time?) No toothpaste, deodorant its just crazy you couldn't even imagine how horriable it is in jail! (isn't that kinda the point of jail? to be horriable? err...horrible? you thought I had a typo in my title didn't you...sillyhead) Thank God you'll never come to a place like this! well my minimum date is nov 21st 2010 (was?) and my maximum is 11-21-13 (yes, she wrote out one date and did a numerical date for another) so since Im over my min Im eligable (spell check hates letters from prison posts. I'm sorry, spell check.) for parole but I have to be classified 1st which takes about 3 months (from here she goes into a whole rambling boring part about how she'll probably have to go to rehab and be there longer than her lawyer said....I'll skip ahead.)

I broke up with my boyfriend today (while in jail? ouch) cause I think he's using me. (using you for what? YOU'RE IN JAIL!!! ...don't worry, I asked, so hopefully will find out an answer.) Im always getting used by guys it sucks (I...I...don't even know what to say here. She has done NOTHING but use people in my family.) So what did you end up doing for spring break any funny stories ( have no idea) Does Danielle still work at the Hollywood casino? (yes, unfortunately) I figured that everyone has a picture of them sitting on the toilet so I said why not me too and I though it was funny so I put in on there. (There being facebook in case you missed my last letter from prison. Can I just take a brief survey? How many of you have a picture of yourself on the toilet? How many of you have ever thought about taking a picture of yourself on the toilet? Thought so.) Did you see the one with my eye all messed up? (yep, asked about this too, so we should get details on that.) I can't wait to take a bunch more picture and post em up and check my facebook (oh, I can't wait either!) Well im gonna go... Love you"

Friday, March 18, 2011

Cancun: Foam Party...Good Clean Fun

I have to get this final day blogged because I just got an AMAZING letter from prison in the mail. So where was I? After ditching Johnny, LT and I made our way down the path in our hotel to the elevator. (We followed the same journey every day).
Very Mayan, isn't it? As we were walking and taking pictures, some guys with a room beside the path called out to us. This is when we met Alex and Jeff, two Naval officers that were on vacation in between assignments. Both were grads of the Naval Academy, so I had to suffer through some college football shit talking. Alex was stationed in Hawaii (awful, right) and was cutely awkward. Jeff was stationed in Florida, likes Syracuse basketball and the Buffalo Bills (at one point later in the evening I believe I sang Fly, Eagles, Fly at the foam party), was obnoxiously sarcastic (perfect, right?) and was wearing a shirt with this on it.
This then became the theme for not only the evening, but the entire trip...Sorry. Winning. They asked us if we were going to the foam party. Of course, we said that we were. Then they tried to make us some drinks of like cherry juice and vodka out of their Brazilian friend's room (come on, you didn't think I could get through a whole post without a Brazilian making an appearance, did you?). We discovered that they had run out of ice, and that warm cherry juice is disgusting, so we made plans to meet up at the central bar later and then head over to the foam party.

LT and I go up to "change our clothes". That's what we told Alex and Jeff, but we ended up just laying with our legs up the wall, and I drunk texted some people. (Can't wait to see that cell phone bill! Yeah, texting from Mexico!) LT and I also decided that Alex and Jeff were probably the chaperones that we had been searching for to make sure we would get to and from a party safely. a) They seemed semi-reliable. b) They spoke English. and c) They didn't try to get in our pants within the first 10 minutes of conversation. We didn't change clothes and were questioned about it when we met up with the guys at the bar. We went and watched some weird Australian drinking game for a while and then decided we should get our tickets to the foam party. The foam party was at a club attached to the Grand Oasis (which was right beside the regular, non-grand Oasis that we were staying at).

For those of you who have never been to a foam party, let me explain. It's at a club with a sunken dance floor and then they pump sudsy laundry soap-esque foam into the dance floor part. While the foam party was awesomely fun, there are some draw backs. 1) Foam gets EVERYWHERE. I was wringing the foam out of my hair and for days afterwards everything smelled like foam. 2) When you're short, sometimes you nearly drown. A couple of times the foam would suddenly be above my head, and I would be choking on foam until I pulled myself to safety. 3) You have to take your sandals off or risk losing them in the foam, and walking around barefoot on a dance floor I couldn't see kinda grossed me out cause sometimes I'd step on cups and stuff...ick. 4) The foam dries out your skin. Following the foam party, I went through an entire thing of lotion and two things of chapstick. My entire face peeled off from it.

We're foaming it up. I'm dancing and all the sudden I turn around and there's Johnny. He whispers in my ear that he wants me to go to the beach with him...I turn him down cause by this point, he's kinda creeping me out. We dance some more and then leave. I love that when we go into the lobby of our hotel, they have towels ready for us to wipe off some of the foam...kinda a futile effort though.

So anyway, the next day, I feel like death. We have to go look for LT's wallet which was lost sometime between the foam party and waking up the next day (we find it eventually). We check out of the hotel (after a little discrepancy about some damage that may or may not have been done to our room...ha). Business class to Atlanta, barely make it on the flight to Raleigh, drive home and get back to my apartment at 2:30am...Wonderful trip!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

I know I haven't blogged about the final day of cancun (and foam), but I had to blog this. Will you look at how green that bagel is! It was delicious too. I also went to McDonald's for a Shamrock Shake but those bees-itches at my McDonald's didn't have them. I'm thinking about dying my Chicken Noodle Soup that i'm having for lunch green as well. The final foam day may be blogged today because I'm sick and will not be going to class (i will however be watching plenty of basketball).

Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 3: The Non-Foam Related Part

Day 3 was the peak of spring breakyness and was so chock full of fun that I'm splitting it into two parts--non-foam and foam. Also, I realized I don't really have any pictures to go along with this day's narrative (probably for the best), so you are getting a random picture of the beautiful beach. Basically the morning follows our normal routine: breakfast and beach. It's actually not windy nor cloudy (at first) and so it's quite a beautiful beach day all around. Because there is less wind, the surf is also less choppy, and we spend more time in the water which is fine by me. It starts to storm at one point (thunder and all) and while a lot of people seem not to care, LT and I decide to head in for lunch. We lunch out the storm and then go to the pool. Instead of choosing our normal quiet, peaceful pool spot, we were looking for some entertainment and so went to the "party" pool area which was near the bar and DJ.

We realized at this time that apparently the guy/girl ratio has become about 4 to 1, and anytime either of us were alone it seemed to signal fair game. For instance, LT went somewhere for a few minutes and soon after she left I had a guy seal walk in the shallow end of the pool up to where my chair was. When I told him I was waiting for my friend, he said that I made him cry. LT got back, and we decided to get drinks at the pool bar. We get in, and we are suddenly surrounded by about 8 guys that are from Mexico City and part of a bachelor party. We have lots of drinks and learn a bunch of inappropriate words in Spanish and some Mexican drinking games. It's good fun until it starts to rain. I have a tough time getting LT inside because apparently our Mexican friends want her to go to the beach. By time I get her out of the pool, it's really raining. We start to run, but with slippery flip flops, I face plant directly on the pavement, skinning up my knee. We make it into the bar by our lobby, blood streaming down my leg. Our Mexican friends are there as well (I try to pretend I don't notice the bloody gash on my knee) and we make arrangements to meet them later that night. (This meeting never happens).

LT and I go back to the Italian restaurant for dinner (after changing of course). There was actually a wait at the restaurant, ugh...while waiting, we meet more guys. This guy Johnny takes a liking to me. He's originally from Lebanon, but living in Canada. Johnny and his friends get called that their table is ready. He tells LT and I to come with them...we go, but obviously there is no room for us at the table. We go back out and wait for our actual table. About 5 minutes later, Johnny comes out and asks if I want to got to his room for 5 minutes (really, only 5 minutes? I blame LT who is drunkenly talking to some other guy. Finally we get called for our table, which oh how lucky is located next to Johnny's. Johnny comes to our table and hangs out. He asks for my room number at least 5 times and somehow I manage to give the same incorrect room number all 5 times. Some other guy brings LT a flower that he apparently picked outside somewhere and tries to win her over which is not happening. Johnny's food comes to his table, and I convince him to go eat. Less than 5 minutes after he leaves some other guy comes and sits down at our table. LT somehow convinces him that he should dance with me. Next thing I know we're twirling around the restaurant to the music from the band. LT doesn't miss out though as some guy pulls her up from her chair to dance as well. (SN: it's not like anyone else is dancing...just us...which is fine.) After the song ends, we sit back down and Johnny is back at our God! I mean I was wearing this amazing turquoise dress, but I had to practically beat guys off with a stick. I told Johnny that we needed to change clothes, but would see him later at the foam party.

Up next...good clean fun...get it...cause it's a foam party...ha

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 2: Spring Break...Ohio State Style

As we were heading back to our room the afternoon of Day 2, LT turns to me and says "We're doing spring break undergrad style." She paused for a moment and then added "not just undergrad style...Ohio State undergrad style." I love this quote for two reasons. 1) It somewhat bashes Ohio State...which I completely love. 2) We all know exactly what she means. Whereas doing spring break Notre Dame style probably means doing a service project in some third world country, spring Ohio State involves general debauchery.

We wake up, slightly hungover from the night before (must've been LT's signature drink The "Skip and Go Naked" which did me in..SN: at one point, we learned how to say skip and go naked in Spanish). Luckily a buffet with a bunch of fantastic breakfasty foods, random Mexican food, and a bunch of fruit is just what the doctor ordered. Nothing really exciting happened that morning. We went to the beach. It was really windy and sand was pelting us. For lunch, we went to an Italian restaurant and had this delicious pesto, garlic cheese bread, and a fantastic caprese salad. After lunch, we moved to a spot by the pool where it was a lot less windy. I took my regularly scheduled afternoon nap, read part of a book and then saw this coming towards us.

Except also add a guy with lederhosen and subtract the lady in the visor. Yes, that would be Duffman, a wrestler and a guy wearing some sort of weird hat (frog, maybe?). LT turns to me and says "i hope they don't come over here." Well, before we knew it, the lederhosen guy is lounging on my legs, and LT is trying to explain what a Kindle is to Duffman. They're trying to tell us that they're Italian, German, and Norwegian and pretending to speak the appropriate languages. Turns out their actually Brazilian (told you there were a lot of people from Brazil running around.) Next thing I know the wrestler guy, points to a bruise on my shin, tells me that it's "dangerous around here" and says not to worry that he'll kiss it and make it better. This wasn't a little peck on the leg either. This was like a full on make out session with my shin. He also does a "body shot" off of my shin which is basically one of his friends pouring a drink over my leg, and him lapping it up like a dog. We talk some more. Lederhosen guy tries to make out (unsuccessfully I'll add) with LT and Duffman shows me his tattoo of Sponge Bob drinking a bottle of liquor and smoking a joint. They eventually leave.

We go to the Mexican restuarant for dinner and are seated by some really drunk undergrad girls who repeatedly do shots of tequila. They say things in spanish that really don't make sense ("Mas tequila, mucho por favor gracias senor"), try to get the waiter to do a shot, and try to make out with one of the mariachi band members. The one girl also talks a bunch of crap about marketing because she "worked in PR for a whole year" and so knows everything about everything. I almost throw down with her on marketing knowledge, but decide it wouldn't be worth the trouble. We eat way too much food and do several shots ourselves.

That's my attempt at an artistic post tequila shot picture. While everyone seems to be going to Senor Frogs for a glo party, we decide not to go (a mixture of tiredness, burntness, tummy fullness, and cabbies and blow anxiety), and I fall into a food induced coma.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Cancun, Day 1

In undergrad, I never really did the spring break thing, so I guess this was meant to be my epic, ridiculous spring break experience...and it did not disappoint. This blog will only recount what I believe to be blog appropriate (PG rated/non-incriminating) content (and yes, there is actually incriminating content). So if you want ALL the scandalous details, you'll have to ask. And if I believe you won't think less of me because of those scandalous details, I'll fill you in.

Onto Cancun, Day 1. Cancun Day 1 actually begins with Raleigh Day -1. Our flight was at 6:15am out of Raleigh-Durham, so Lauren (LT) and I decided to stay overnight in Raleigh rather than have to drive that whole way in the morning. We checked into a Residence Inn at around 11pm and set our alarm for 4:15am....lovely.

Got business class from RDU-ATL...and then flew to lovely Cancun. As soon as we arrived, we could tell that the weather was going to be awesome. We checked into the Oasis Cancun. I was a little nervous about this because some places this is listed as Oasis and some places it's Be Live Cancun. People had given it reviews from excellent to horrible, but the horrible ones weren't so horrible and for the price we got, figured we could put up with the negative things people were saying. Our room wasn't ready yet so we got our all inclusive bracelets and went to find some food. We went to the buffet restaurant. There was SOOO much awesome this.
It said it was a pomegranate, but I have never seen a pomegranate like that. It basically looks like snot covered seeds. It didn't taste like pomegranate either. They also had the best guacamole I've ever eaten (great guac in Mexico? shocking!). I think I had guac every day I was in Cancun. We finally went to our room which was fine except for this picture in front of my bed.

He is totally groping that woman....jerk. There were pictures like this all around the hotel and LT and I began making of stories about all the people in them. That picture was of Jose and Maria, and he totally knocked her up. (Maria's pissed off mom was on another wall of our room.) Also can it really be considered a room with two double beds if they are pushed together and have one headboard?

We decided to change to go to the pool. At this point, LT realized she didn't have any swimming suits with her which is kinda important in Cancun. We went to the gift shop, and LT bought a crappy swim suit for $95. Price gouging at its best.

We went to the beach which was great (we also started drinking at this point...hey, it's free, right?). Then we went to the pool and watched fantastic undergrad drunkenness. (girl's bikini tops "accidentally" falling off, drunken dancing on the bar, etc.) After showering and changing, we went back to the bar and met our first group of Brazilians. Little did we know at this time that the resort was pretty much overrun with guys from Brazil. We were informed that everyone was heading down to "the strip" for the Flo Rida concert. LT and I were a little nervous about going there because while everyone told us how much fun it was and how safe it was, they would then follow that up by telling us that the cabbies would probably try to sell us blow. LT would always ask if they would feel ok if they're girlfriend by themself down there and the unanimous answer was "" So after going to the sushi restaurant for dinner, we continued to drink at the hotel because a) it was free and b) no one would try to sell us cocaine. We had some wonderful drunk bonding conversation. We then turned in fairly early because we were still tired from our early morning flight. I know this day doesn't sound very gets better...and the non-blogworthy edition, 10X's better.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Hot Yoga

Since my meeting originally scheduled for noon has been pushed back to 1pm, and since I had not planned on doing anything else at this time and am already on campus (sn: got interrupted by Andy's gf Katie and so that is why this wasn't posted until like 9 pm at night), I will tell you about my bikram aka hot yoga experience. I first learned that there was a bikram place in Winston Salem when Andy asked me if I wanted to go last year. I had no idea what bikram was and so went to the internt in search of answers. I discovered that it's yoga in a 105 degree, 40% humidity room and by all accounts makes you "feel like you are dying." Considering that feeling like I'm dying does not sound like fun nor does it sound like it's healthy, I passed.

Then just a few weeks ago my friend Lauren (aka LT) told me how she went for an introductory period and yes, you do feel like you are dying, but it is great. Now knowing that I could have a bikram buddy to lead me through what I needed to do and bring, and having a witness that actually survived, my curiosity was peaked and I decided to go to Bikram Winston Salem.

Ok, first, you bring a towel, your yoga mat, water, and as minimal clothing as possible without reaching a level that will disgust those around you. I was sweating as I was rolling out my mat. It's is simultaneously awful and amazing. I rotated between feeling like I was going to pass out or throw up and sometimes both. I have never sweat that much in my ENTIRE life...combined. Afterwards, my body was exhausted but my mind completely unusual combination. Woke up the next day feeling sorta hungover, but I went back and did it again, so I recommend trying it at least once.